fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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