so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
