I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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