I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
