i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This is my gift to your gina
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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