i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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