well I can't set my house on fire every night
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
