shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
