so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
