I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize