Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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