cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
