I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
