Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Girls should come with a carfax report
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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