dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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