Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
