I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
