I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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