i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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