it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
