I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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