Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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