he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
