It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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