her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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