I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
