There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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