the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
