Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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