the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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