just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
