3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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