I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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