I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
