I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just had sex on a roof
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
