I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Everything about him screamed your future.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
