her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
