I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
