if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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