Nicole vs. Life
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
