hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
