so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
