i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize