He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
