When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
