According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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