Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
