You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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