I could make wine with my vomit
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
