That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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