please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
