You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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