take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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