Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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