my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
