Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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