how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
