Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
