I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
